“Holy is the warrior who wrestles with himself” - supposedly from the Koran

24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."
But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

27 The man asked him, "What is your name?"
"Jacob," he answered.

28 Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, ^[e] because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."

29 Jacob said, "Please tell me your name."
But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.

30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, ^[f] saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared." - Genesis 32:24-30

I wanted to title this: Declaring a Crusade against Christendom

That would be setting myself as pure enough to wage such a war. I am not. I am probably not even worthy to polish Ted Haggard’s shoes. The title would also be a blatant intent to destroy the very institution that God uses to function in the world.

Everything has its flaws.

Any honest analysis of the issue in such a small format (such as an essay or this blog) cannot even begin to factor in all the variables of Churches from Italian Catholic Monasteries to the most Tribal Native South American. Even a study with through demographics of Christians would fail to come close to being able to make my point to my satisfaction be it a 50 page manifesto or a 50 volume exhaustive study. That’s my Caveat to everything in my writing on this topic. I fully understand this fact and recognize the folly in this project.

Yet.

It seems like something is wrong. Church isn’t some sort of spiritual exercise as much as it hobby/business venture that has people going door to door in the name of some almost forgotten God. Sincerity and success do not mean anything about the realness of a religion. (For example, if you agree with my fairly basic Traditional Christian presuppositions, you can look to the Latter Day Saints as an example of meaningless sincerity and success.)

This meaningless success is everywhere. From massive Christian bookstores and Christian paraphernalia, to Mega Churches, Americans are very well churched out. But it doesn’t seem to help us much culturally. In fact, in areas where churches are biggest and strongest (say NW Arkansas for example) people become much more artificially good. The image of goodness becomes more important and the need to be honest and straightforward starts to get confused and crooked.

Not that areas with little church presence are any better. But they are, at least in my experience, more honest.

Nothing is perfect and everything is twisted and convoluted. “For now we see indistinctly, as in a mirror…” I Corinthians 13:12 Of course we pray that the Father would help us to see things as they are, and the more I do that, the more angry I get.

I don’t know if my anger is justified (it seems so damn self-righteous), but I do know that the Evangelical Church has hurt me and many others in countless almost unexplainable ways. Much like emotionally abusive, but distant parents.

When I first started work on this post I wanted to describe it with this segment:

I squatted down in front of the kid as he struggled hold himself up against the wall. He concentrated on the M16. His body shook.

“Hodges, do you have any idea how hard it is to make me mad?” I asked. He looked up, and I stared him down. “I never get mad at people, but somehow you’ve really managed to upset me.” I felt no sympathy.

The kid had managed to repeatedly fail to do what he had been told. Failed to listen, failed to do his job, and that with me repeatedly trying to trust him and help him out. You can only violate my trust for so long. I tend to think I am not alone in this way of thinking. Hell, I’m probably way too tolerant. Compared with most people, I’m wait a little to long to get offended and make changes. Sure I rant and rave, but after I talk the anger is gone and I settle down. You understand even if you’re not like that right?

Well, unfortunately for my everlasting soul (as some people might think), I’m going to have to declare permanent and unforgivable anger toward the Christianity in America-- possibly the world. Like my little friend, Christianity, as seen in a theater near you, repeatedly violates trust and expectations.

This isn’t just a “people are imperfect” sort of thing. Everything is imperfect and I fully recognize that. Certainly the early church was imperfect. Certainly the people that make up any church at any period in history are imperfect. If it was simply a matter of imperfection I think I’d find myself (as would the rest of my generation) much more comfortable and welcome in the Church setting.

All the above stands true to a great degree, it’s my anger backed into a corner, waiting for something bigger. The bottom line for me is that I see little evidence of a healthy European Church (limited though my experience has been). Yet in some ways maybe the European Church is the healthy Model. It’s almost invisible and not particularly respected (from what I know). Whilst the American Church is hard not to miss, I feel it is considerably less healthy. It is totally disrespected in some circles and worshiped like a god in other circles. How can an institution filled with Millions of Apathetic people faking the funk or Zealots preaching hellfire and damnation to anyone breathing be the way to go? Every time I step into a Church (well almost, occasionally I find the Spirit uplifting and moving and teaching) it’s like stepping into some sort of Childish clubhouse where everyone wants to impress everyone else with their goodness. Just because you think good things does not make you good… If anything, the Gospel is not the corrections of sins, but the making us aware of sin and the trusting of Jesus to forgive them.

The church is not supposed to be good and proud! And this is the only church I see. Even the best churches where the Spirit moves I see “Good and Proud” “Let me show you how to be better” “Good and Proud” “Get Married” “Good and Proud” “Play silly board games” “Good and Proud” “Be careful about spending too much time with your Porn watching Drinking buddies” “Good and Proud” “Preach the gospel unless it makes you uncomfortable” “Good and Proud” “Preach the gospel so that it makes everyone else uncomfortable” “Good and Proud” “Liberals are destroying our country” “Good and Proud” “Conservatives just hate the poor” “Good and Proud”

I’m done. This is it. No more. Forget Church. Forget American Christians. I want to see the world the way God sees it and I know that’s not going to happen as long as I sit in the pew and look out through the stained glass.

I think the only reason the American Church keeps going where the European Church has died is our shorter, more intense spiritual tradition keeps the church staggering forward like a zombie chanting: “Good and Proud... Brains… Good and Proud… Braaaaaains…”

Philippians 1:18 “What does it matter? Just that in every way, whether out of false motives or true, Christ is proclaimed. And in this I rejoice. Yes, and I will rejoice.” I’m not convinced that Christ is exactly proclaimed anymore. At least, not in a helpful way. I have time to figure it out, I trust the Father to guide me.

For now, I have to avoid Christ’s Body because the Body around me is a Zombie. It clouds my vision. “Now I know in part, but then I will know fully, as I am fully know.”
May that which is perfect come sooner.

Father forgive me in my pride.

Sinful and Humble and nothing else to say… Sinful and Humble and nothing else to say… Sinful and Humble and nothing else to say… Sinful and Humble and nothing else to say… Sinful and Humble and nothing else to say… Sinful and Humble and nothing else to say… Sinful and Humble and nothing else to say… Sinful and Humble and nothing else to say… Sinful and Humble and nothing else to say… Sinful and Humble and nothing else to say…

***note to self, post needs work in first few paragraphs***

I have been putting off a post such as this for a very long time.
Or, possibly, rather the correct variables had to fall into place before I would be able to post. The variables are these:

Desire to write (always present though wispy and thin like a ghost or spirit)

Time to write (brought on by being around enough people who decided to sleep)

Insomnia (drinking coffee much too late)

Nostalgia (result of reading other people’s blogs)

The last point variable interests me the most in that it directly creates the subject matter in my mind I have to analysis in such a way as to tell the world (why I want to tell the world about this specific thing is much to complex to be pondered here, if I had enough time on my hands perhaps I will consider writing a 5 volume set on psychological nudity). I should fight my inherent laziness and force my clumsy mind to wield descriptive words in such a manner as to practice my fiction writing skills-- but no, I shall ponder this: Why am I in this moment forcing myself to write when the time would be better spent sleeping? Certainly now is not the time to practice a trade that is difficult even at the best of times.

This did, in fact, all begin when I started surfing other people’s blogs. I have been avoiding Xanga for a long time because I felt I had nothing to gain from flipping virtual pages of banal self serving monologue. Indeed, Facebook is a much easier way to pass a few minutes.

Today, as I scanned pages and read people’s little blurbs I was struck again by: #1 I hate how insipid most Xanga pages are and #2. By how incredibly fascinating and emotionally powerful a very few are.

Understand, I didn’t take the time to really read posts. I just scanned and reacted to banners and read people’s “about me.” It’s odd how some people seem to think that a few clever words make them online socialites. Others throw self-respect to the wind and just act goofy. Some people- like a guy from JBU who served in the army for 7 years and then went to Sudan to serve God- have a story to tell. Certain people have simple, beautiful words to express profound truths. Some people I remember well, other’s I don’t. A few I never knew. Several I wish I had know better, others not so much. Some I wish I had dated, some I wish I hadn’t. Sometimes I react because of a person’s words, and the other times I react because I knew them. Sometimes both. Through all this wading I stumbled across a banner that moved me: “put food coloring in your water, build a fort with blankets... write love letters, and celebrate every gorgeous moment.”

Maybe it makes more sense in the context of that person. But I think it is the most beautiful thing I’ve read in a long time and I don’t care whether it was stolen, paraphrased or created on the spot. It’s powerfully simply wonderful. And I wonder: Is this the first time I’ve read it? Or has I read it long, long before and not paid attention? How much have I changed since joining the Army?

And so it all comes back. Maybe it is better to stay away from writing in your blog. Read other’s while avoiding being trapped in a self-pleasing social Potemkin village you. Live first, write second.
I’ve lived a little more. I’ve written a little more.
It’s not inward I need to look, but it’s outward: Seek the Gems of Wisdom buried in this ground of blogs.

Posting is so over rated but necessary- and that is paradox I do not understand.

I still think I'm worth reading even if I never post anything anymore.

xanga = dead

I don’t think anyone even reads xanga anymore.
good.
No one will call me out on my hypocrisy.  YES!

It’s a wonder anyone gets anything done any more.  I think that if the collective society as a whole didn’t have to earn money to buy their microwaveable fast food and movie ticket our entire civilization would come crashing down.  Seriously.  The current percentage of people who make it to adulthood I’d guestimate at about 50%.  The rest of us are wallowing in childhood.  Have you watched how the people you know behave?  There’s a considerable lack of responsibility, personal courage, and selfless treatment of others.  It’s as if the child inside put on an adult suit complete with hormones and is now walking around talking, driving cars, working (sort of), reproducing, and voting.

The worst might be the nerd culture I come from.  At least if we’re using the word “child.”  And entire generation of people, particularly males, wallows in this strange sort of fantasy world be it through comics, cards, role-playing games, or video games.  This created an entire sub-culture of virtual accomplishment and reward so that we don’t have to do anything productive in real life.  The thing is, I’ve lived in it long enough to be convinced that there’s some sort of part in the brain that is stimulated by this artificial accomplishment, but in a very small way.  Much the same way as a little masturbation saves this sub-culture from the more satisfying possibilities.

(That’s okay People.  That’s Okay…)

I can only target nerds because it’s easy.  Between college, church, and the Army I tend to think the average 20 something is more child than adult.   It’s purely subjective I know.
It’s there and I’m convinced. 
It could be that an adult is just an image or an idea, but I think there’s a certain sense of reality and personal strength that most “adults” exhibit be they 19 or 100 whilst the “kids” don’t have this be they 30 or 300. 

Movies manufacture drama, emotion, and romantic feelings.  In 2 hours we experience things so we don’t have to live them out in real life.  And where they don’t satisfy those parts of us, there seems to be an increasing tendency to expect the problems to be solved in a similar time frame.

TV gives us even better immediate gratification.  20 minutes of cheap laughs interspersed with a lot of things we really don’t need… but DAMN  that chick is fucking hot.  Seriously.  I’m going to have go to by a pair of Levi’s, get a Diet Coke, and buy some Victoria Secret.  (And I don’t even wear women’s underwear.)  Well okay.  I switch channels between commercials.  Which is almost worse.  I have total control my entertainment to the point where I can stay sedately entertained for an eternity.

The internet makes information immediately available.  Initially I’d say this is a good thing, but at the same time information is available without the need to understand the peripheral information.  It’s easy to go straight to the information without a lot of research and information is immediate but disjointed (depending on the honesty of the user I suppose).  Everyone is better informed, but the information is also more shallow leading to a greater danger of incorrect conclusions.

I’m not even going to address the content of the above mediums.  That’s awhole ‘nother discussion.
We have so little to struggle for now.  Everything is spoon fed.  We show up to work and come home and microwave our food.  No need to slaughter it or even cook it.  Our water comes out of the tap and is endless.  “Sex” is a mouse click away.  Our only need is other people and entertainment. 

I’m convinced that to break this cycle you have to do something that turns comfort on its head.  Some people become missionaries, others do the humanitarian thing.  I joined the Army and I’m already starting to be better than an economic potato.  I guess I’m more like a hamster now…
Still, a step up.

You should do it to.  Break with whatever holds you back.
Do whatever it takes.  Maybe someday we’ll all make it to Adulthood.

Robert Conde sent me this JBU forum Post through Myspace:

"josiah biggs is the one and only seasoned forum veteran.

oh, and ben miller.

sorry blake"

Hooray!  I think I accomplished... maybe... one thing in college.